Looking Through Your Eyes
by Hakkai's Lady
Summary: Prequel to To Where You Are & Gonou Lives Hakkai faces blindness and the betrayal of his lover, but someone is there to see him through it all. 38 Please reveiw.Temporarily on hold
1. Chapter 1

AN This is the prequel to "To Where You Are" and "Gonou Lives," so yes it is a 38 fic. But there are some things I want to tell you. First, I have decided to write this differently than the other two in the series, so tell me if you like it or not. Secondly, after this, I am done with this little scenario. I appreciate everyone who read this little trilogy of mine.

Looking Through Your Eyes

Part 1:

Hakkai watched Gojyo pull his hair back from the doorway. "Going out?" he asked.

Gojyo nodded. "I'm going to play a few hands and then come back. You won't have time to miss me," he promised.

"Be sure that you're in early enough tonight. I'm not sure what time Sanzo and Goku will be here tomorrow," the brunette explained.

"The monk and the monkey," Gojyo muttered. "Can you tell me again why we're still hanging around with those guys?"

Smiling, Hakkai wrapped an arm around Gojyo's chest. "Because like it or not, they are the only real friends either of us has ever had."

The taller man turned and kissed Hakkai hard on the mouth. "Well, our friends will understand if I sleep in. I'll be back in an hour or two."

With that, Gojyo grabbed his jacket and was out the door.

Something didn't feel right. Hakkai couldn't place the feeling, but there was something just slightly off about the entire evening, though nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Keeping busy, he tried to push away the discontent in his stomach. Gojyo had gone out a little over four hours ago to the bar, and Hakkai—as usual—was left to spend another night at home alone. He did the dishes, then folded the laundry, then tried to read, but nothing kept him occupied. Settling down on the couch, Hakkai poured himself some sake and decided that it was enough for the evening. Sanzo and Goku were going to come in the morning, and he didn't want to seem unhappy when they came. Over the years, they both had gotten to know his moods, and so it took extra care to fool them. Sadly, they were both far more observant than his lover.

Things had almost reached an end with Gojyo. In his heart he knew that, but he wasn't ready to acknowledge that just yet. They had been together for nearly seven years. In all that time, he had hoped that things would change…that Gojyo would change. Hakkai's heart couldn't take many more nights alone, or nameless whores. He had accepted Gojyo's habits for a very long time with only the rarest of outbursts. The man he loved was not the man he was with. Hakkai loved the man that Gojyo could be, but after a few steps forward, Gojyo had gone tumbling back into the very things that had once nearly destroyed his soul. The journey West had been beneficial for them both, yet time had turned those days into nothing more than memories. They weren't together as they had been.

Hakkai drank another sake. It was a curse of sorts, no matter how much he drank, he'd never be drunk. If he could reach that point, maybe then he could drown away the things that made him feel this way. Then again, that was too easy. He wouldn't let the sake take over him. Long ago, he had learned that there were some things in life that you had to face. Whatever was bothering him, he'd better face it. He patted Hakuryu, and walked out into the night after his lover.

By the time he reached the bar, a crowd was standing outside. His heart beat wildly as he heard crashing. He pushed through the people just in time to Gojyo slam into the wall with a sickening thud. A youkai that stood at least ten feet tall stood with his chest heaving. "God damned, cheating son of a bitch!"

"Gojyo!" Hakkai called out. He sent a ball of chi hurtling at the enraged youkai, but he seemed to disappear and then reform in time to dodge it.

"You want to play to?" the monster laughed.

Hakkai barely got out of the way of huge clawed hands the first time, but wasn't so lucky the second time. Pain. That was the last thing that registered in his mind.


	2. Chapter 2: The Space Between

**Warning!- **this chapter is VERY violent and gory. The rest of the story will be less disturbing I promise you, but be warned.

Chapter 2: The Space Between

Sanzo cursed again as he glanced over his shoulder. He never should have brought the damn monkey along. Just minutes before, the little pest had been whining that he wanted to dig into the bag of food that Houmei had sent with them, and Sanzo had promptly left him behind. Goku couldn't get him to slow down.

"Sanzo!" a plaintive voice called from behind. "Wait up."

"No."

"What crawled up your ass?" the younger man asked irritably. He'd lost a little of his good nature since he'd been pulling all nighters with his twin daughters. Fatherhood had a way of changing a man, or chimp.

"Nothing."

"Sanzo, why can't we stop just for a bite?"

"No."

"You're starving me!"

"I DON'T CARE."

"Sanzo?"

"Shut the fuck up!" BANG! Every muscle in his body was clenched hard with tension. Didn't Goku understand that they couldn't stop? He walked on without another word to the baka. They'd be early, he knew, but he couldn't wait.

By the time they reached Hakkai and Gojyo's house, all of the lights were out. Sanzo knocked on the door, but he felt uneasy. Gojyo never went to bed this early and Hakkai never went to bed without Gojyo. He knocked louder.

"HEY, GUYS! Let us in!" Goku shouted.

When no one answered, Sanzo pulled out his gun and shot through the door lock. He was on guard as he walked through the rooms of the neat little house. Nothing was out of place, but the bottle of sake on the coffee table.

"Kyu!" Hakuryu chirped as he landed by Goku. It almost seemed the dragon was worried too.

"Damn it!" Sanzo cursed. "Let's go find them. The kappa is probably gambling and whoring."

He truly hated Gojyo. The man's existence annoyed the hell out of him. From the day he had met him, Sanzo had wanted to beat the hell out the damned bastard. Gojyo took everything for granted. Nothing mattered so long as he had a smoke, a slut, and a can of beer. He didn't give a damn who he hurt or what he left in shambles, so long as he got what he wanted. Why Hakkai put up with it this long, Sanzo had no fucking clue.

They walked the half-mile to town silently. Goku looked too worried to bother Sanzo. Both men knew that Hakkai never followed Gojyo on his outings. No, Hakkai let the kappa fuck whoever he wanted. It wasn't in the green-eyed youkai's nature to inconvenience anyone, even his cheating lover. Fuck the kappa for doing it! Fuck Hakkai for putting up with it! And fuck me for caring, Sanzo thought.

The sound of screams cut through the air and sent both men running. In his heart, Sanzo knew that voice. An image of blood flashed in his mind. NO! I'm coming, he swore as he ran. The air burned his smoker's lungs. He saw the crowd outside of the bar. People standing around in horror, backing away from whatever they saw.

"Who's next?" a booming voice called.

Sanzo parted the crowd with a shot and stared at the most horrifying thing he had ever seen. A demon nearly eight feet tall clutched a green clad figure by the shirt and held him dangling above the ground as blood dripped to the floor. Hakkai's face was shredded and gaping holes of blood where all that was left of his beautiful eyes. The demon laughed and tossed the injured man aside like a rag doll. Landing with a sickening thud, Hakkai made no move or sound.

"Come to play, pretty boy?" the monster asked with a laugh.

Sanzo put a bullet in his kneecap before the thing could move. He howled in pain, but barreled forward. The second bullet put him on the ground. His friends had stopped him from torturing a youkai once, but that wouldn't happen again. This time, he went slow. He put enough holes in the demon to keep his arms out of commission and then pulled a knife from under his robes. It had never been used before for this kind of thing. Digging the blade deep into the youkai's flesh, he wanted to make him pay. Again and again and again.

"Sanzo!"

Again and again. Blood splattered across his face and his clothes.

"Sanzo! He's bleeding fast," Goku cried.

The priest woke from his blood rage. "Quick, cover the wound and press tightly."

He searched the room for something to be used as bandages, and that was when he saw a pair of boots under some rubble. Tossing off a board, he took a good look at the battered half-breed. He hauled the degenerate up and put the barrel of his gun to the unconscious man's head. Red eyes cracked open, as red as the blood on the floor.

"Look at what you've done to him!" Sanzo raged. He let go of Gojyo and let him fall to the floor.

Gojyo cried out as he stared at his lover who was lying in Goku's lap. "No, no, NO!"

The red haired man stumbled forward and tumbled to the floor beside Hakkai. He touched his hand and reeled back as though he had touched a coal. "Someone help! Please! Oh, God someone find a doctor!" Gojyo screamed in shock.

Sanzo stood there like he was made of stone. Time stopped. Nothing made a sound, though Goku's lips were moving and Gojyo was still crying at the top of his lungs. He didn't hear a thing until someone yelled "YOUKAI!"

He drew his gun again and aimed at the doorway, but then a familiar form filled it. Kougaiji. "Shit," the demon swore. "What the fuck happened?"

"Where's Yaone?" Sanzo demanded. "YAONE!"

The violet haired youkai woman ran through the door and dropped to her knees beside the injured man. "We need bandages, hot water, and surgical supplies now!"

Minutes flew by. They got Hakkai into the room above the bar. Yaone kicked them all out as she began the work of saving Hakkai's life. They all sat in the dingy hallway by the door silently. _I bet Gojyo brought his whores here_, Sanzo thought morbidly. He wanted to kill Gojyo, but he knew that Hakkai was going to need his "lover" when he woke up.

Gojyo began to murmur softly. "I did it. I was cheating that guy and he took off his limiters. Hakkai was trying to protect me. I did it!"

Goku put a hand on his shoulder. "You have to be strong for him."

Sanzo said nothing. Yes, this was Gojyo's fault. The whoring kappa had finally let his ways destroy the one person who loved him the most, even though he didn't deserve it. He had paid Hakkai's love and loyalty with betrayal and pain. For as much as he regretted it now, he never stopped to think that there might be consequences. Once again, Cho Hakkai would pay dearly for the love he had given. Kanan cost him his innocence. Gojyo cost him his sight. Was this enough for the bastard? Was this enough to make him stop?

The door cracked and Yaone stepped out. Her hands were still stained red. "How did this happen?" she asked shakily.

All eyes turned to Gojyo, but he stood there mutely.

Sanzo's voice was harsh. "He tried to protect Gojyo from what his own stupidity brought upon him, " he said before turning cold eyes on the kappa. "He should have left him kill you! What have you ever done but bring him pain? If it wouldn't break him, I'd kill you now."

There was no doubting that he meant it. He could see the sorrow on in the man's eyes, but it wasn't enough. Nothing ever would be enough.

Yaone's soft tones cut through the animosity. "You should go sit with him," she told Gojyo.

With a glance over his shoulder as the group, he went into Hakkai's room.

_You don't deserve him, kappa. You never did._


	3. Chapter 3: Something to Remember

AN I forgot to thank Occasus and Aimless for their help on this fic so far. They have been doing grammar check for me. So I love you guys!

Part 3: Something to Remember

Yaone stared down at the form in the bed. She had come into to check on him after Gojyo had gone. Placing a hand on his forehead, her worst fears were confirmed. Fever had already began to rage within him. He might die just yet. She started to cry as she remember the first time they had met. Hakkai was the kindest person she had ever known. That day, she had been prepared to take her own life for her failure, but Hakkai wouldn't let her even though she had come to kill him. For a time, Yaone had thought that she was in love with him, but then she realized how much she really did care for Kougaiji. She shook away the memory and put a cold compress on his head.

"Ka…Ka.. Kanan?" he moaned.

"Shh," she whispered.

"Kanan, don't do it! No." He began to toss and turn.

She went over to the nightstand and mixed up a sleeping potion for him. Pressing it to his lips, she begged him to drink. When he did, he calmed down and was silently sleeping once again. God only knew what tortured dreams he was having. Yaone wasn't ignorant of what he had done to those demons years ago, yet that wasn't the Hakkai that she knew. It was impossible to imagine him killing youkai without remorse. Not this man.

The door creaked open and Sanzo slid in. His eyes were wide as he got his first glimpse of the swollen, fevered man in the bed. "Will he live?"

"The fever is the big thing right now. Later he might have an infection. I can't say for sure…"

Sanzo nodded. "It was a good thing you were nearby. Kougaiji told me why you were in the area."

Yaone sighed. They had been tracking that particular youkai for sometime. He'd stolen something that belonged to Nii and killed the guards. Ironically, he was on his way to find Sanzo and the scripture. It had to have been fate somehow that they all ended up here.

"Do you know where Gojyo is?"

Sanzo's eyes narrowed. "No."

"I thought he would want to stay the night with him," she said.

The monk didn't say anything as he took the uninhabited spot beside the bed. She didn't know him well, but he seemed to care a lot for Hakkai. A knot formed in her throat. He would certainly need friends when he woke up.

Her fingers gently touched his forehead. His skin was still burning with fever. "Tonight is critical for him. Will you stay while I mix some herbs for him?"

The stoic priest nodded. She almost thought she saw fierce protectiveness in those violet eyes, but she dismissed it. Gojyo needed to get his sorry ass back here, she thought gravely.

In the room downstairs, the tavern owner was cleaning up the mess. "It's a good thing your friend paid me well," he muttered under his breath.

Ignoring the ill-tempered man, Yaone met Goku in the kitchen. Everything she had asked for was laid out on the counter. Hopefully, the powder she was going to make would lower his temperature. Nearly two hours passed before she went back to Hakkai's room.

She opened the door slowly and gasped at what she saw. Sanzo sat with his fingers entangled with Hakkai's. His eyes never moved from the sleeping man, and pain was etched across his face. Maybe he truly did care. When he caught sight of her, the mask formed over those sharp features once more. "He's still sleeping soundly," he said flatly.

"That's good. He needs rest. In a few hours, I'm going to try and give him some more medicine. You should get some rest yourself," she told him.

"I'm fine."

"I'm sure you are, but I'd like some time alone with him."

Sanzo nodded.

Letting out a breath, Yaone took the now vacant chair beside him. How she had longed to be with this man! Her feelings for her husband had been born out of respect and duty, but what she felt for Hakkai had been different. He gave her the sense that she was valued in some way. It didn't matter that he didn't know her; he managed to show her that life was precious even when it was not going as planned. She had learned so much by watching him. Hakkai had really given her something to hold on to.

"I don't know if you can hear me," she said, "but you need to survive this. So many people love you here that things wouldn't be the same without you. Even Sanzo cares about you. He's a good friend. You're lucky to have him. I have the feeling that he'd do anything for you. Please, just don't die."

A cross between a whimper and a moan escaped Hakkai. "Kanan."

"I'm here," she said softly. "Drink this."

"Kanan," he repeated, though he did not resist the cup she offered. "It's not too late."

"I hope you're right," she said sadly.

Yaone woke in the middle of the night to the sound of the creaking door. Her eyes took a moment to adjust to the light. Sanzo stood in the doorway with a tray in his hands. "How is he?"

She touched his face gently. "The fever has gone down. Thank you for waking me. I must have dosed off."

"Goku sent some food. The chimp seems to think it's a cure-all." The priest snorted and set the tray down.

Her stomach growled angrily. It had been sometime since Yaone had eaten or slept. There simply hadn't been time when they were on the hunt, and with Hakkai's injuries, she hadn't wanted to take the time. "Thank you," she said as she tore a piece of bread.

"How long until he's awake?"

"He needs to sleep. When he's conscious enough, I'll have medicine and broth for him, but his body needs to rest in order to heal."

Sanzo nodded. "After you eat, I'll stay with him." That tone left no room for argument.

"I'll leave you some things incase he starts to wake," she agreed.

Thanks to Altered Carbon, Liz, Althea17, Aimless-37, Loveandpeace522, Storm Dragon Girl, FairyMage, Andy-77, and Khiahsu for reviewing! Reviews give me a reason to write!


	4. Chapter 4: Downpour

AN As always, much love to Occasus and Aimless! Also, I am looking for 3-4 other people to do a shared fic with. You can email me if you are interested at ladyduzell21 at Yahoo dot com.

Chapter 4: Downpour

Sanzo drifted in and out of a restless sleep in the chair beside Hakkai's bed. He had barely moved from that spot in three days. Occasionally, he would go outside to smoke or downstairs to eat and Goku or Yaone would take his place, but that wasn't often. There was a fear inside of him that something would happen and he wouldn't be there. Why did it matter so much to him? But the better question was—why didn't it matter at all to Gojyo?

No one had seen the bastard since he had left Hakkai's room three nights ago. The fucking kappa had run away. He had caused this and now he wasn't even here to help Hakkai through it all. Gojyo was good at leaving. That had been proven when he left with Kami. Never once did he ever show any kind of caring for Hakkai. Sanzo remembered the pain in his eyes when he found Gojyo gone. He remembered how it had been the one time that he had been on the receiving end of the green eyed man's quiet rage. The kappa didn't care, not the way that he should. Hakkai loved him so much. It had been one of the few times Sanzo had ever seen anyone truly love another. That's why he had tried to protect Gojyo, but it hadn't been reason enough for Gojyo to stay. He really didn't deserve Hakkai. If anything was certain, it was that Sanzo wouldn't hesitate to kill him if he ever saw him again.

When he closed his eyes, Sanzo could see the whole scene play out in his head. The vision of his master stepping in front of him and taking the mortal blow had never really left him. Now, that image had changed. He saw Hakkai, Hakkai's blood splattering on the floor. Once again, Sanzo found himself wishing that he could turn back time. If he had left a few hours earlier….No, that was stupid. Nothing could change the past; Sanzo was pragmatic enough to realize that, but there was something else involved here. Something that he couldn't admit to himself yet.

Hakkai stirred in his sleep. He did that quite often, actually. A few times, he'd been "awake" or so it seemed, and even spoken to them before drifting back into his fevered and pain ridden dreams. "Gojyo," he said weakly. "Gojyo?"

Sanzo said nothing, but watched the man. Without seeing his eyes open, it was hard to tell if Hakkai was awake or dreaming again. When he tried to sit up, Sanzo broke his silence. "It's alright. Stay still," he told him trying to be as gentle as possible.

Confusion turned the corners of Hakkai's mouth. "Why can't I see? Why does my face hurt?" There was fear and a childlike denial in that voice.

It felt like someone had tied a noose around Sanzo's neck. "You were hurt," he said slowly. "There was a fight in a bar with a demon, and…and he took your eyes."

"No. Where's Gojyo? GOJYO! GOJYO!" He sat up straight in bed and struggle against Sanzo as he tried to hold him down. Hakkai kept calling for a man who would never come.

Goku burst through the door. The golden eyed boy ran to the bed and joined in Sanzo's effort to keep Hakkai still. "It's going to be alright," he said softly. In that instant, Sanzo was glad that Goku could give him the limp assurances that he could not.

"Where is he?" Hakkai pleaded. "Is he alright? Why isn't he here?"

The sheen of tears shown in Goku's eyes. "He was okay. Yaone set his shoulder and said he'd be fine. I'm going to find him, Hakkai. I'll bring him back."

Hakkai leaned back onto Sanzo's chest taking shuddering breaths. Could he still cry? Sanzo wasn't sure. He simply held his friend tight. There was nothing more he could do. "Where's Yaone?" he asked Goku.

"In the market. I'll go get her."

When Goku was gone, neither man said a thing. Sanzo traced idle patterns on the back of Hakkai's arm. It was an intimate touch, but touch seemed to be the only way he could comfort him. He had never been the one to know what to say to make someone feel better. It wasn't in him to lie and say that everything would be alright. How could everything be alright? Hakkai was blind. Gojyo had left him. What was there that Sanzo could say to him?

"Sanzo?"

"I'm here, Hakkai," he whispered. The dark haired man nodded. That seemed to satisfy him for the moment. Sanzo couldn't imagine what must be going through his mind right now. He took a deep breath. "I'm not going anywhere." And he knew that he meant that.

The two men were still seated on the bed together when Yaone opened the door. Swinging his face toward the sound, Hakkai sat up straight as if he expected the youkai to attack him. "You're awake. May I please take a look at you," Yaone asked gently as she sat down on the edge of the bed. "Sanzo, would you please go get my bag from other room?"

Her bag was sitting on the edge of the table, but Sanzo got the hint. He nodded. "I'll be back," he promised Hakkai. It took all of his willpower to force himself to walk out of that room, but he managed.

Downstairs, he sat at the bar and ordered a whiskey. Goku sat down uninvited beside him. "This is real bad, Sanzo."

"You think I don't know that?" the monk snapped. He ran a hand through his shaggy blonde hair.

"Do you think he'll be okay?"

"How the hell should I know? I know that he's lost just about anything that mattered to him." Sanzo downed the amber liquid and lit a cigarette.

"Aren't you going to DO anything?" Goku pleaded.

"Do what? Goku, don't you get it that life as he knows it is over? It's up to him now to decide what to do."

Goku looked away. "You would say that."

The chimp's departure didn't give him any peace. Dropping a few bills on the counter, he went back upstairs and did the one and only thing he could think of to make Hakkai even the slightest bit happier. Opening the door of the room at the end of the hall, Sanzo stared at the tiny white, creature balled up on the bed. "Kyu," the dragon chirped weakly. They had locked him in here when they began treating Hakkai. Hakuryuu had gone crazy trying to get to his master. Since then, the dragon barely ate.

"C'mon," he told him. "I'll take you to Hakkai."

Hakuryuu's head popped up at the sound of Hakkai's name and fluttered on to Hakkai's shoulder. Sanzo wasn't sure how much the thing understood, but it did seem to care for his master.

When Sanzo cracked the door open to Hakkai's room, he caught a glimpse of Yaone finishing up changing the dressing over Hakkai's face. She cast him a sorrowful glance. "I've brought someone to see you," Sanzo announced.

Hakkai turned towards his voice, but said nothing. The white dragon chirped happily as he landed in his master's lap. The saddest smile he had ever seen crossed Hakkai's lips as he stroked Hakuryuu's neck.

"Your pet is much less annoying than mine," Sanzo quipped hoping that it would get some sort of response from Hakkai, but the dark haired man said nothing. How the roles had changed. "Do you mind if I stay?"

Hakkai shook his head, and continued petting the dragon. "Kyu." the dragon said sadly looking to Sanzo. The animal seemed to be begging him to help his master.

Sanzo moved to the window and stared out at the gray sky. The rain was coming.


	5. Chapter 5: Unfogivable

AN Thanks to everyone who reviewed! And much love to Aimless and Occasus. I am almost half way through this, so I hope to get it out soon.

Chapter 5: Unforgivable

Gojyo stared hard at the half empty bottle of whiskey. Most of the bar's patrons ignored the drunk in the corner. He looked half dead and was too depressed to care at the moment. A few women had tried to catch his eye when he first walked in, but he didn't want anything to do with them. He merely paid for a room upstairs and bought a bottle of the strongest whisky they had. He was a beer drinker by habit. The hard stuff always managed to take him to a place that he didn't want to go. It brought out the sullenness and the pain, and that was just perfect for tonight. Part of him was hoping that he would drink himself to death; the other half would settle for being drunk enough to forget.

Sha Gojyo belonged to no one, owed nothing to anyone. He was free to drink and fuck and hustle. That was how he had always been, and only one person had ever asked more from him. Only one person had ever given him faith and love. Hakkai. It hurt to think about him. His chest felt like it was being crushed when he thought about what he had done. In one moment, Gojyo had ruined everything that could have been. He destroyed the one person he truly cared about.

Downing the last of the bottle, Gojyo began to stumble for the stairs when he noticed a brown haired man staring at him.

"Need a hand?" he asked with a seductive smile.

Gojyo nodded. "I just might."

There was never any hidden intent for either of them. It was a fuck. Nothing more. "Turn the lights out," Gojyo commanded as he stripped off his shirt.

When the veil of darkness fell over them, he began to pretend. The body beneath him was only slightly heavier than that of his lover's. He pushed the anonymous man over flat on his stomach and began to work his hands over the form he could barely see in the moonlight. His mind imagined that there was a scar across the man's stomach. That his eyes were as green as emeralds and his hair was dark. Nothing had happened to him. Hakkai was safe and sound in his loving arms. Gojyo did everything to see to his lover's pleasure. He kissed and caressed and loved with the most care. When he came, it was with Hakkai's name on his lips, and then he fell asleep.

In the morning, he groaned. His shoulder was killing him and it took him a moment for reality to catch up with him. Throwing with his uninjured arm, he sent a vase shattering to the wall.

"What?" a confused voice gasped from beside him.

Gojyo didn't want to look at him. He had betrayed Hakkai all over again. "What are you still doing here?"

The man beside him purred, or it at least sounded like he did, and looped an arm around Gojyo's waist. "That was amazing. I wanted to see what you were like when you weren't drunk."

"Now you have. Get the fuck out."

The man was quiet. "Who was it you were loving last night? Who is Hakkai?"

Gojyo spun around and stared into unremarkable blue eyes. The face was too round. The body not nearly long and lithe enough. "Don't say his name. Just leave."

Looking hurt, he did what Gojyo asked and left.

Gojyo threw on the only clothes he had and counted the remains of his cash. He hadn't gone back home to get anything. Sooner or later, he would have to either play for money or go back. Neither prospect made him feel any better. He glanced in the mirror and knew that there was one thing he had to do.

Downstairs, he asked the bartender where the nearest drugstore was. He bought himself a pair of scissors and the blackest hair dye he could find. When he had finished his task, he looked in the mirror and began to cry in earnest. It was his hair that had brought them together, in part, and it was only fitting that it should go too.

Goodbye, Hakkai, he thought mournfully.

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Over the next few days, Goku, Sanzo, and Yaone took turns with Hakkai. Kougaiji and Dokugakaji had left as soon as it was evident that Yaone was not leaving until the danger had passed. She had promised to meet them soon. Goku was relieved that she was Hakkai's friend. He wasn't sure that Hakkai would have survived without her.

The golden eyed young man got out of the bed he'd been sharing in shifts with Sanzo, and stretched. He had never seen Sanzo so worried about anyone. Years ago, he would have been jealous. There had been a time when Sanzo was the center of his world. Not that he was in love with the monk, but the two of them had been together for the entirety of Goku's conscious memory. Even his "recollections" of his former life were haunted by a man who was nearly identical to the moody priest. It took a marriage and twin girls to pry Goku away.

When he thought of Houmei, he could never imagine leaving her for any reason. It made him hate Gojyo. How could he just walk away? Goku had heard the way that Hakkai called out his lover's name. He thought that Hakkai was even more desperate for Gojyo than he was for his sight. It broke his heart. How? He just kept on asking himself that question. Searching his soul, he knew that he would never understand. But then again, Goku had always been loyal to those that he loved. He doubted the kappa really understood anything about that at all. Gojyo had spent a life time fucking and running. No one should be surprised by this, but everyone was…with the exception of Sanzo.

Goku passed Sanzo in the hall with little more than a nod. Even though he was the most talkative one of the group, he didn't have much that he wanted to say, and Hakkai hadn't said a word since he had been told that he was blind and Gojyo had left. He just sat there with Hakuryuu in his lap. The most anyone had gotten out of him was a nod or a head shake.

Hakkai didn't move a muscle when Goku slid the chair out and sat down. "It finally stopped storming out there," Goku commented idly. "I'll go out in the morning and start asking around. Maybe someone knows where he's heading. I'll find him for you."

"Goku, promise me…" Hakkai croaked softly. It was the first thing he'd said in days.

"I'm gonna bring him back," he assured him.

But Hakkai shook his head. "No, promise me that you won't try to find him."

"But why?"

"Promise me!" Hakkai demanded.

Goku's eyes widened. "I promise I won't go until you say it's alright."

"He's right. There's no reason to come back."


	6. Chapter 6: Reasons

AN Sorry it took me sooo long to update. My computer wasn't working, and then I went on vacation. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Chapter 6: Reasons

Hakkai listened to the voices drifting up through the floorboards. It felt good to be alone. The constant feeling of being watched, of being pitied was stifling. The shame was almost as disheartening as the knowledge that he would never see again. His life had fallen apart twice. He'd gotten one second chance, but he wasn't going to hold out for a third.

He slipped off the covers and stood up. His head spun, but he gritted his teeth and moved his hands out in front of him. He knew that there was a chair here, but he wasn't sure of much beyond that. Wind moved in from the left meaning that there was a window there. Determination built up within him. He needed to move out of that damn bed. Stepping forward, he felt his knees begin to shake. A week in bed had drained him enough that this wasn't going to be easy, but he had to do it. Hakkai couldn't stand the uselessness anymore. Fear gripped him. It felt like he was walking into nothing. The vast abyss he was trapped in had stripped him of any certainty he had. Would it always be like this? Would he spend his life afraid to move? Begging for help? No, he'd not be able to do that. He'd sooner die. His hand brushed against the hardness of the wall, and he followed it to the window. It was a small accomplishment, but it was something.

Why didn't Sanzo let him die? Did he think that saving him was going to accomplish something? He thought of killing himself, but he hadn't had the opportunity yet. For all of Sanzo's threats, he knew he couldn't count on the priest to help him with that. He snorted. He could already hear some sort of bullshit lecture about the will to live. How anyone could be so hypocritical, he didn't know. There was a time when he didn't see Sanzo like that, but having his eyes ripped out had changed his perspective on a lot of things. Part of him truly did hate Sanzo.

_Why save me? Twice, you've decided that you would grace me with some sort of intervention. Maybe I should have just died the first time. I certainly deserve to. Tearing out my right eye was supposed to my penitence in a way. You said that the Gods save no one, but they've certainly damned me. And so have you._

Hakkai touched the bandages over his eyes. _This is why I'm alone_, he thought. Goku had told him that Gojyo had sat with him for a while. In his head, he had an image of Gojyo sitting there looking at the tattered body that used to be the man he loved contemplating staying or leaving. In the end, Gojyo had made the right choice. What good could Hakkai do for him now? Sha Gojyo was not the type of person to lead around his blind, scarred lover for the rest of his life. He couldn't even remain faithful when he wasn't blind. _Fool, you were asking for too much. _

Footsteps on the stairs interrupted his thoughts. His hearing hadn't gotten any better, but he was certainly more aware of the sounds he heard. The door creaked open. "You're up," Yaone said softly. "Are you feeling alright?"

He nodded. _If you called this alright_, he thought sarcastically.

"Let's get you back into bed," she offered. He felt her long fingers on his arm, and resisted the urge to push her away. Maybe walking alone into an unknown void wasn't the worst feeling. Being led through it felt much worse. "Would you like to come down for dinner tonight? Goku and Sanzo would be happy to see you….uh…I…um mean that they miss you."

He could practically envision her blush. Hakkai shook his head. How could she be so sensitive about using the word "see" in front of him and not realize why he couldn't go down and eat with the rest of them? The youkai woman had to help him eat his meals for Kami's sake. Didn't she know him well enough to understand?

The flapping of wings and a gentle "kyu" sounded from the doorway. Little Hakuryu was the only one who seemed to understand any of it at all. _If only the dragon were a conversationalist_, he thought wryly. He must have smiled, because he heard Yaone sigh.

"Are you ever going to speak to us again, Hakkai?"

He shrugged. _I have my reasons_.

Yaone left him alone after only a bit more fussing over his bandages, and closing the window. There was always an unspoken strand between them. In truth, she reminded him just a little of Kanan. So loyal to the end. Yet, Yaone was much more strong spirited than his gentle Kanan had been. Would she have let them take her as his love had? He doubted it. She would have fought. The first time they'd met had been like a jackhammer to his heart. It was the first time he'd truly felt like Gonou since he'd been renamed, but he was not Gonou. Cho Hakkai had embraced the secret part of Gonou that loved men. He saw Yaone as a friend, adversary, and as a bit of a sister. Was this his punishment for that?

This was stupid. He balled up his fist and sat up straight. Sitting around like this was slowly killing him. His whole life he had been on the move in one way or another. Reading, learning, fighting, cooking, cleaning. He was always occupied.

He made his way back to the window again. Despite, Yaone's insistence that he remain in bed, he couldn't do it. Fumbling with the locks, he threw open the shutters and breathed in fresh air. This time it was a scent that caught his attention. Cigarettes! Gojyo! His heart thumped as he turned.

"I don't know what the fuck your game is, Hakkai." That was not Gojyo's voice. He didn't know why he hadn't heard the priest come in. "Your martyrdom has always annoyed me. Do you think lying down and dying of a "broken heart" will do anything? Get your eyes back? Bring the kappa back? You're a fucking moron if you do. It won't bring him back anymore than dying would have brought Kanan back to you. What is it with you and stupid, weak-hearted sluts?"

Hakkai trembled. "You're trying to bait me into living is that it?"

"You give yourself way too much credit." Footfalls crossed the room.

"I suppose you're still holding nothing?"

"Better than holding everything and losing your fucking mind. Do you know why I'm here?"

Hakkai shook his head.

"Because I choose to be. I don't fuck around with morals the way you do. Did being good and smiling ever get you anything in life?"

"Would it make you happy if I were a bastard and alone like you?" Hakkai raged.

"You are now." With that, the monk left him.

Maybe, just maybe, Hakkai understood a little more now. He stayed by the window for a while longer and went back to bed. When he felt the sun on his face again, he went back. That was exactly how Goku found him. "Hakkai! Yaone told me you were up yesterday. Sorry I wasn't around. I just got back from the inn. I hope you don't mind, but I was kind of thinking you could stay with us for a while?"

"I would like that," Hakkai said so softly. The pain felt like it was swallowing him whole, but he knew that he had to push on.


	7. Chapter 7: Never Be the Same Again

AN—Many thanks to Aimless and Occasus. This is for you Althea…I hope I can speed things up a bit for you. ;)

Chapter 7: Never Be the Same

Goku groaned as he rolled over on his stomach. Somehow Sanzo had gotten Hakkai to come out of his room. He didn't say a single word during the meal, and he ate next to nothing, but he came down. Didn't that count for something? This whole thing had made him realize just how helpless he really was sometimes. Houmei always said "just because you save the world once, doesn't mean that you can control it." He knew she was right, of course, but this had proven it. There hadn't been a damn thing he could do to help Hakkai. Logically, he knew that this wasn't his fault, but he felt a certain amount of guilt knowing that he couldn't do ANYTHING.

The air in this place was suffocating. With this heat, he wasn't going to be able to sleep, so he threw on his clothes and went for a walk. The entire town had dimmed. He couldn't say that he didn't like the place. It was exactly like a hundred other nameless places they'd been when they were heading West. Not much about any single town stood out, except maybe the youkai they'd fought there. Well, that and how good the food was.

He missed Houmei's cooking. In fact, he missed everything about his wife and daughters. He'd sent a message to her yesterday telling her about what happened. She wouldn't complain about it; Hakkai had always been her favorite member of the Sanzoikko. Grinning, he remembered how Hakkai had completely taken over the kitchen while she was on bed rest for the last three months of her pregnancy. The amazing part about it was that the man had done it with a smile. That was why he knew Houmei wouldn't mind taking care of him until…Goku stopped. Until what? He got his eyes back? He wasn't quite certain how Hakkai would ever be able to take care of himself. Dinner had been just short of disastrous. The man who was once so poised spilled just about everything he touched. What would Hakkai do for the rest of his life?

Goku kicked a rock at his feet idly. The he saw something that made him pause. A tall, thin figure moved ahead of him. What really caught his eye though was long, red hair in the moonlight. "Gojyo!" Goku raced after the person. "Gojyo wait!"

The man turned and destroyed the illusion. "You callin me, kid?" His face wasn't anything like Gojyo, and the hair looked like it came for a cheap bottle of dye.

"I though you were someone I knew," Goku said sadly.

The inn was totally dark when Goku made it back. He went straight upstairs and fell into a dreamless sleep.

Morning came before Goku knew it, and he was unceremoniously tossed out of bed. "Wake up, stupid monkey!"

Sanzo looked down at him with his usual annoyed expression. "What's the big idea?" Goku asked rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Yaone says Hakkai is okay to travel. We're going to his home to get some of his things, and leaving tomorrow at dawn." As usual, there was no questioning Sanzo's plans. The priest never asked anyone for their opinion, least of all Goku.

The pair opened the door to the quaint house, and Sanzo let out a snort. He never had cared for them settling in together. Whether it was Sanzo's homophobia or just his distaste for the kappa, he didn't know, but he hadn't bothered to hide his thoughts about it.

The place was just the way it had been when they'd been there the night Hakkai was blinded, complete with sake and cup on the coffee table. A quiet hung in the air that made Goku think of a museum . He hated that feeling and decided to lighten the mood. "Gojyo needs to learn to clean up his messes."

He didn't see the fan coming . "Stupid monkey!"

"What did I say?" Goku asked nursing a rising welt.

"Let's get what we came for and get the fuck out," the monk commanded.

They found most of Hakkai's things without any problem, and packed them into a bag. His clothes and the watch from Kanan went in first. Goku stopped himself as he began putting Hakkai's books in the bag. _Maybe he'd like me to read them to him,_ Goku though as he continued. The room was filled with things that Hakkai would no longer need. An extra monocle, a sketchbook that he had toyed with from time to time, and other odds and ends things.

He was about to ask Sanzo what to pack, when he looked up and found the monk staring at a framed photo of Gojyo and Hakkai. "Keh," he said disdainfully as he threw it on the ground listening to the glass crack. "Let's go."

"But I…"

"Do you have his clothes?"

"Yeah, but…."

"Then we're done." He watched as Sanzo turned on his heel and left.

That night, Hakkai stayed in his room again. He seemed reluctant to eat in front of his friends again. Goku pulled the most battered looking book from the bag. This must be one of his favorites, he decided. Upstairs, he found Hakkai standing by the window again. From the way his head was turned, you could almost swear he was staring out at the sky. He knocked gently on the door, and Hakkai turned toward the sound. "I thought maybe you'd like me to read to you for a while."

Goku seated himself and began to read.

"Please, stop," Hakkai begged softly. "I don't want your pity."

"What about my friendship?" Goku asked swallowing a knot in his throat.

"Just stop."

"Hakkai, sooner or later…."

"I said stop it! Damn it, why won't any of you just listen to me!"

Goku nodded. "Okay. I'll let you alone now, but tomorrow we're leaving."

Outside, he shut the door and leaned against the wall. In a way, this was worse than Sanzo's depression over loosing the sutra. However he looked at it, it didn't seem like things were bound to get better anytime soon.

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Hakuryuu lifted his head from his Master's lap. He hated that Master wasn't happy anymore. His wounds must hurt very badly. The cloth thing that humans put on wounds kept Hakuryuu from seeing how badly Master was injured, but it must be very, very bad. He didn't like the way his Master stumbled about, either. He appeared to be lost, but Hakuryuu didn't know why he let them put that cloth over his eyes. A wound would heal without it, and then Master could see.

Master was his everything. He fed him, and petted him, and kept him warm, protected him. Yes, Master was good. He chirped sadly. His Master was mean to Little One, and that was not like the Master that he knew. Nor was it like him to fight with Gold One. He nuzzled Master's cheek trying to make him feel better, but Master began making sad noises. Hakuryuu did not like this one bit. Did Master cry from pain? Or did he miss his mate?

Master's mate confused him very much. Red One liked smoke, and made loud noises. Also, Hakuryuu concluded that he must not know how to tell a male human from a female one, because he had thought that Red One was a male. But that didn't make sense how could two males be mates? If his Master could talk to him, Hakuryuu would have asked him these things, but all he could do was curl up and hope that Master was better soon.

Hakuryuu couldn't remember much before Master had found him. He was cold and it was dark out. His tiny wings were not strong enough to fly any farther, and he didn't exactly recall where he had been going in the first place. There was somewhere that he had wanted to go…NEEDED to go, but it didn't seem that he could get there. A sound caught his attention, and he listened to footsteps. If was a predator, he knew that he wasn't well enough to fight. He closed his eyes as it got closer, but instead of the claws and teeth he was expecting, a gentle touch at his back came.

Hakuryuu blinked and chirped weakly as he stared at the human. He had dark hair and green eyes with something strange over the right one. The expression on the human's face didn't look threatening, but Hakuryuu didn't know humans well enough to tell. The human made soft, kind noises that the dragon liked, and he was scooped up and wrapped in a warm cloth. From then on, he didn't feel that he had to go anywhere…unless it was to be with Master.

The dragon sighed, and stared at Master. Would things ever be the same again?


	8. Chapter 8: A Glimmer of Light

AN Here is where things are going to get a little AU. I'm not sure about the technology for the blind within the Saiyuki world. I'm not sure if things like Braille even exist in that universe, but I have incorporated them in to the story. Also, this is going to be by far the longest chapter, because it sets up the rest of the story.

Chapter 8: A Glimmer of Light

They had been at Goku's for the past week, and things had only gotten marginally better. Hakkai would say a few words here and there, but was still too quiet. He never gave an honest smile. Sanzo was getting damned tired of the self-pitting air the youkai had taken up. Lighting a cigarette, he pondered a few things that had come to mind over the past days. There was no way Hakkai was going to start acting like he usually did until some things started to go back to normal. Sanzo had very little faith that Gods gave a rats ass about anyone on Earth, but he was almost resigned to going back to Chang 'An to speak to the three Aspects. _Will it even matter?_ Sanzo wondered bleakly. Goku would likely be pissed that he was leaving, but he wasn't about to clue the monkey in on anything until he had some kind of plan.

Inside, Houmei was rushing around in the kitchen while Goku contained the twins. Sanzo had never known a real family. He wasn't sure it would have changed him that much if he had. The temple and his mentor had been enough for him. If he'd ever really belonged anywhere, it had been at there. Goku scooped up the girls, and Sanzo watched as he carried them upstairs for their naps. Knowing those two, the chimp would be busy for a while.

When things were finally quiet in the twins' room, Sanzo heard Hakkai's door open. He watched as the blind youkai slowly moved down the hall with one hand on the wall and the other stretched out in front of him. Uncertainty was written across his face as he reached the end of the hall to the kitchen. Houmei set her pan down and raced to his side steering him safely to a chair.

"Did you need something?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I just wanted to be out for a while."

"No one locked you in there," Sanzo said unsympathetically. A rag flew across the room and hit him in the face. Houmei was glaring at him for all she was worth, but it did little to the monk. He knew that Hakkai was barricading himself in his room because the twins were afraid of him.

Hakkai said nothing to that, and reached up to pet the dragon that had just landed on his shoulder. "It feels like it's a nice day out," he commented.

"Maybe you should try going out," Houmei offered. "Goku could go for a walk with you after lunch."

Sanzo stood up abruptly. "Let's go."

"I…I wouldn't want to trouble you."

"Get off your ass. We're going."

Reluctantly, Hakkai stood up, and Sanzo placed guided his hand to the middle of his upper arm. There had been a blind monk at the temple when he was a child, and he had taught Sanzo the proper way to lead a blind person. The monk winced as steely fingers tightened around his arm. "Watch it," he warned.

"Sorry," Hakkai said sheepishly.

They walked silently from the inn and down a secluded path. Of course, Sanzo paused to light a cigarette along the way. He stole glances at the man beside him. Some of Hakkai's trepidation had seemed to melt away as he took in the fresh air. Turning his face to the sky, he almost looked content. It didn't take long for Hakkai to get tired, and they took a rest on a large rock in the clearing.

"We'll go back when you're ready," Sanzo told him.

"You're going to leave soon, aren't you?" Even blind, Hakkai was still more perceptive than most people.

"What makes you think that?"

Hakkai shrugged. "You can't stay here forever. Surely there is something the great Sanzo has to do besides hang around here."

"Keh. I'm sure I could find something."

"Sanzo…"

"What?"

"I never did thank you, did I?"

Sanzo stared at Hakkai. He looked like hell even if he was supposedly better. "Save it. That fucker had it coming."

"I don't mean for that. You stayed with me when I woke up," he explained.

"It's time to go back."

They didn't say another word on the way back to the inn. Sanzo led him along the path silently with a sullen look on his face. Part of him had been hoping that Hakkai would have forgotten about that. It wasn't like he cared about the youkai.

The next morning, Sanzo was ready for his journey before breakfast. Goku had been furious that he was leaving without telling him about it first. After Gojyo leaving, he had become determined to keep the three of them together. Leave it to the saru to get sentimental. He would forgive Sanzo eventually, and even if he didn't…

It took Sanzo a few days to make Chang An. He really hadn't missed the place. The monks bowing and scraping to "Master" Sanzo always annoyed the hell out of him. There was always so much hypocrisy in this place. He may be a bastard, but he was an honest bastard. These dumb fucks went through the motions with the illusion of righteousness.

In his chambers, he splashed water from a basin on his face and stared into the mirror. He had always been called a pretty boy, but he wasn't vain about his appearance in the least. His face was just his face. Beauty in general had never been one of his hang-ups. It probably all went back to his general distaste for the entire human race. He couldn't respect anyone who was in caught up in something so shallow. Maybe that had been one of his problems with the kappa to begin with.

He straightened up his robes and walked to where the Aspects resided. Though he'd been here many times, he was never exactly cozy with the floating heads. It wasn't fear or respect for the gods either—it just wasn't somewhere he cared to be.

Bowing before them, he waited to be addressed. "Priest Sanzo, you have come to ask a favor of us."

"Yes, I have come to ask that you heal my fellow traveler, Cho Hakkai," he said."

"The Merciful Goddess is not ignorant of his plight, however we will not heal him. He must learn to accept his handicap."

Sanzo had expected this. "With all due respect," he began, "Cho Hakkai has done his part in whatever he has been asked to. Do you mean to tell me that there is nothing that can be done to help him?"

"There is a school not far from this temple. You will find help there."

Sanzo lowered his head, and took his leave.

It didn't take him long to find the school. One of the monks in the temple had known of the place and gave him directions. The place was quaint and happy looking with a white fence around the schoolyard. A group of young girls sat in a circle giggling. He watched them for a moment and noticed how they barely seemed to be looking at the toys they held, but touched them. This was a school for blind children he realized.

A dark haired man opened the front door and called the children in for classes. He had a wide smile on his face and unseeing pale, blue eyes. The man remained on the porch for a moment after the children were inside, and Sanzo walked up to the gate. "Are you in charge of this place?" he asked.

The stranger "looked" toward Sanzo. "I am one of the teachers here, but Enjuu-Sensei is the headmaster. Why have you come to our school?"

"I have come to ask for some help for a friend who was recently blinded. I am Genjyo Sanzo," he said politely. He could tell that the teacher was still unsure of him. _He's no fool,_ Sanzo thought.

"I have heard of you and your friends," the teacher said with a slight nod. "I am Ryoko. Sensei will probably be ready to see you when he returns from the village. Until then, you may wait here. It is nearly time for our afternoon lessons."

A slight, blonde woman in her forties appeared behind Ryoko. The first thing Sanzo noticed about her was that those hard, brown eyes were definitely looking right at him. "Ryoko-san, the children are waiting for you."

The teacher nodded. "Eris, this is Priest Genjyo Sanzo. He has asked to see Enjuu-Sensei. Will you take him to the kitchen for something to eat?"

Eris relaxed a bit. "Certainly," she replied. "Follow me, Sanzo-Sama."

The inside of the school was neat and cozy. He could tell that the students lived here as well as studied here. They passed two classrooms and a living room before entering the large dining room and kitchen. "Would you care for some tea? The students finished lunch just a bit ago, and I could make you something if you are hungry."

"Tea would be fine, thank you."

Eris poured them each a cup and sat down across from him. "There is someone you wish to bring to our school?" she asked.

"It would be best if someone could come with me to him. Hakkai is a grown man."

She sighed wearily. "My brother may or may not agree to it. His is much older than I am, and he would not do well on a journey."

"Is your brother blind as well?"

"No," she replied taking a sip of tea. "We founded this place together more as a way to honor the memory of our little brother. He died young, and without much education. Here, blind children are given the best chance at a good future. They learn how to read, write, and all of the other subjects sighted children learn, but also how to function within the seeing world. Craftsmen from the village come and help them learn trades, if they wish. When they leave here, our students are ready to be independent."

Sanzo took that in carefully. He was about to ask another question when a frail looking old man came in the room. "Ah, Priest Sanzo, you have quite the reputation," he said with a smile. "Ryoko tells me you have a friend in need of a little help."

Nodding at the strange, little man, he told the entire story leaving out a detail here and there. There were people who wouldn't think fondly of Hakkai having another man as his lover.

When he was done, Enjuu set down his cup. "Well, we're going to do something about this, I tell you. Ryoko would be happy to go with you, I just know it."

"Were you planning on asking Ryoko what he thought of this plan?" a bland voice commented from the doorway.

"Now, Ryoko, it's time you had a proper adventure again," Enjuu chastised. "Besides, it will give you another story to tell the children."

Ryoko groaned. "I didn't have an adventure. They came here if you'd remember it right."

Enjuu ignored him. "When are you planning on leaving, Sanzo-sama?"

"As soon as possible," Sanzo said still staring intently at Ryoko. He wondered what kind of adventure he could have possibly had.

"Ryoko, go pack."

"But what about our students?" he asked irritably.

"Eris and I can take care of things until you get back."

"Fine," Ryoko agreed finally.

The next morning, Sanzo found Ryoko surrounded by a group of kids ranging from four to seventeen. All of them seemed heart broken that he was leaving. "I'll be back before you know it," he promised them. "I'll tell you all about the Sanzoikko when I get back. In fact, I bet Sanzo will tell you a story or two himself."

Sanzo grimaced. That, he knew, was directly intended for Sanzo to hear.


	9. Chapter 9: The Darkened Path

ANPsquare, and Badluck-ngprod, All of my research came through experience with someone very dear to me, but I do thank you for your reviews and suggestions. And as always, love and kissesto Aimless for being my beta.

Chapter 9: The Darkened Path

Hakkai felt like screaming. He felt like destroying everything that he touched, and crying out at the top of his lungs. The frustration was eating him alive. It hadn't stopped since the day he woke up over a month ago. His hands shook sometimes from all of the swirling turmoil caught within him. He spent his days doing nothing, but depending on Goku and Houmei. The few times he had tried to do anything he had been swiftly ushered away to a chair or his room. If things didn't change, he would go crazy.

Sounds drifted through the halls of the inn like smoke through the air. He could hear Goku and the girls playing in the next room over. Houmei was singing in the kitchen. He paused a minute trying to place the tune, but he couldn't. Trying to conjure up an image of the kitchen, Hakkai decided that it was time he left his room for the day.

By now, Hakkai had taught himself the way to the kitchen. He knew his room well enough that he rarely bumped into anything, and the hallway was usually empty. Outside the door, he ran his fingers along the textured wall until he reached the corner. Here was where things became tricky. Things were always being moved, and there was always something going on. Houmei's singing stopped and he heard the gentle splash of water. "Hello," she said cheerily.

He forced a smile. "Hello. Are you doing dishes?"

"Yes, there was quite a pile from lunch."

"Oh, I could help you with them," he offered.

"You don't need to worry about that," she rushed. There was that pity in her voice again.

_Yes, I do, _he raged silently. _I need to do something. Anything! _"I'm sure I can at least dry them for you."

She sighed loudly, and led him to the sink counter. "Alright. You can just set them down in front of you."

He took the towel she pressed into his hands, and dried the dishes as she gave them to him. It was such a relief to be useful…even if it was in some very small way. It gave him something else to think about besides how utterly pathetic he had become. "

"What were you singing?" he asked.

She hummed a few bars for him. "You've never heard that lullaby before?" she asked incredulously.

Hakkai shook his head.

"I sang it to Mayu and Taka when they were babies."

A real smile came to Hakkai's face. It was odd to really smile again. He had thought Houmei was acting strange lately. "Does Goku know yet?"

Houmei gasped. "How did you know?"

"I heard you these past few morningings, when you were….ah…not so well."

The woman beside him laughed. "Well, I was planning on telling him soon."

"I'm very happy for you," he told her honestly.

"I just hope Goku's okay with it. You know how he was the last time, and I just don't know how we're going to keep up with three of them and do all the work for the inn." She was positively bubbling with happiness, and the longer she went on the more guilt Hakkai felt.

He was invading their lives. They had to look after him as if he were another child. He was so lost in his thoughts that the plate in his hands slipped right through and shattered on the floor. "I am so sorry!" He bent down to pick up the shards and sliced his hand. "DAMN IT!"

"Oh, Hakkai, let me do it. You've hurt yourself." She took his bleeding hand into hers and led him safely away from the broken glass. "It's deep."

He said nothing. It felt like his blood was boiling beneath his skin. His entire body was trembling, and a knot had formed in his throat. More than anything, he wanted to let it all out. Hakkai let her bandage his hand, and listened while she cleaned up his mess. This was not the life he wanted in any way, but when had his life ever been what he wanted? Without a word, he walked back to his room and shut the door.

"Hakkai?" Goku called gently from the outside the door. "Can I come in?"

"Do as you like."

"Are you alright?" he asked with a concerned note in his voice. There it was again—that damned pity!

"I'll be fine."

"You know, you really don't have to help out around here."

"Goku?"

"Yeah?"

"Please, leave."

Hakkai listened to the click of the door. _If only Sanzo was here,_ he thought sadly. Sanzo had visited him every day before he left. The monk was the only one who didn't pity him, or at least he was better at hiding it, if he did. An image of the stoic-faced monk appeared in his mind. It was funny, he even missed seeing Sanzo. He fell on the bed, and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

There was a harsh knock at his door, and it jarred him from the peaceful abyss. "Cho Hakkai, if you are sleeping in there, I suggest you wake up and meet me in the kitchen." He didn't recognize that voice at all.

"Who are you and why should I?" he asked the voice irritably.

"I am Ryoko. From here on out, you are my student. You have five minutes, and then we begin."

Hakkai sat up straight in bed. This was so bizarre! "Begin what?"

"Begin teaching you how to be blind."

Hakkai heard a slight tapping in the hall, and he footsteps leading away. What was going on? Who was this man and where had he come from? More importantly, who did he think he was ordering him around? Once upon a time, he would have patiently sorted this out, but Hakkai had run out of patience completely.

He stretched out his hands in a hurried attempt to find his clothes, but couldn't recall what he had done with them the night before. He swore under his breath. Soft fabric brushed against his hands, but it felt way too long to be his pants. "Planning on wearing your sheets?" a dry voice asked from the now open door.

"Sanzo?"

"I'm back."

"Did you bring that man with you?" Hakkai asked scowling.

"I did," Sanzo answered curtly.

Hakkai's temper finally broke. "Who asked you to? Why are you always fucking with my life?"

"Because I can't stand to see you sit around whining and crying for the rest of your life. Here," Sanzo said pushing a shirt into Hakkai's bare chest. "I set your pants on the edge of the bed. We'll be waiting for you."


End file.
